Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from position. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have another spot where by American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really Trump Tower Damascus is soft electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should halt using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Area, a aspect being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after getting the developing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not simply ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features

Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium in which visitors may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is previously attracting focus from international investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely incorporate:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD might have turn-down company."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave everything 3. You might be welcome."

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires